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Parents, teachers, and caregivers often instinctively use phrases like “Good girl!” and “Good boy!” when children follow instructions, excel in school, or demonstrate good behavior. These words are meant to encourage and celebrate children’s achievements. However, recent research suggests that this type of praise might not be as beneficial as it seems and could be less effective in helping children grow into confident, independent individuals.
The Problem with Generic Praise
While the phrases “Good girl” and “Good boy” are meant to reinforce positive behaviors, they don’t provide specific feedback about what the child did well. This can lead to confusion, as children may not understand which particular action is being praised. More importantly, constant evaluative praise—judging children based on their behavior or identity—can have unintended consequences.
Over time, such praise may cause children to seek external validation rather than develop self-motivation or a genuine sense of accomplishment. In other words, they might start doing things simply to gain approval from adults rather than because they value the task or understand its importance.
A Shift in Parenting and Praise
The roots of using praise to shape children’s behavior go back decades. In the 1950s, psychologist B.F. Skinner introduced the idea that rewards, including praise, could reinforce desired actions. By the 1970s, experts emphasized the importance of boosting children’s self-esteem, with praise playing a central role in this effort. However, over the last 20 years, the focus has shifted. Today, developmental psychology promotes a more nuanced view, advocating for children to develop a positive sense of identity rather than seeking constant validation.
Experts now believe children thrive when they feel a sense of safety, belonging, and capability, rather than when they are simply told they are good or successful. Praise that highlights these qualities helps children build resilience, confidence, and self-awareness.
The Different Types of Praise
Not all praise is the same. Psychologists distinguish between two major types:
- Person Praise: This type focuses on fixed traits like personality or appearance, such as “You’re so smart!” or “You’re the best runner!” While it might feel empowering, it can actually hinder children’s willingness to take on challenges. If children believe their success is tied to a trait, they may avoid tasks that could lead to failure, fearing it might reflect badly on their identity.
- Process Praise: This praise emphasizes effort, behaviors, or strategies. It focuses on what children do to achieve success, rather than on inherent traits. For instance, saying “You worked really hard on that drawing” helps children understand the value of effort and encourages them to keep trying, even when faced with difficulties.
Studies show that children who receive process praise are more likely to develop a growth mindset—the belief that abilities can improve with effort—leading to greater confidence and perseverance.
The Impact of Over-Praising
While praise is generally well-intentioned, overuse of evaluative praise can have negative effects. Over-praised children may come to expect approval for everything they do, leading them to rely too much on external validation. This can interfere with their ability to make independent decisions and develop self-regulation.
Research also warns against “inflated praise,” using words like “incredible” or “amazing” too freely. This can foster unrealistic expectations in children, making them more susceptible to narcissistic traits and lowering their ability to cope with failure. Children who receive inflated praise may come to believe their self-worth is tied to meeting the high expectations of others, which can ultimately undermine their self-esteem.
Gender Differences in Responses to Praise
Gender may also play a role in how children perceive praise. Studies suggest that boys are more likely to view praise as a reflection of their competence, while girls often see it as an expectation to conform to certain behaviors. This distinction can shape their self-esteem and willingness to take risks in the future.
What Should Parents Say Instead?
To foster healthy development and self-regulation in children, experts recommend three key strategies:
- Provide Specific Feedback: Rather than generic praise, offer feedback that helps children understand what they did well. For example, instead of “Good boy!” say, “You worked really hard to clean up your toys today.”
- Focus on Effort, Not Just Results: Highlight children’s perseverance and learning process rather than comparing them to others. For instance, say, “You’ve improved so much on your piano piece,” instead of “That wasn’t as fast as your sister’s playing.”
- Show Unconditional Support: Reinforce that children’s value does not depend on their accomplishments. Phrases like “I’m proud of how much effort you put into studying,” help children feel appreciated regardless of the outcome.
The Long-Term Benefits
By shifting from evaluative praise to process praise, parents and caregivers can help children develop a strong sense of self-worth, resilience, and a willingness to embrace challenges. This approach promotes qualities such as empathy, confidence, and perseverance, which are essential for navigating the complexities of life.
In a world where children face constant pressures to perform and meet expectations, thoughtful and constructive praise can help them find joy in learning and growth, rather than merely seeking approval.
